I sit here with a heavy heart today after being given the news of someone I know passing. I wasn't close to him, I didn't know him extremely well but he was part of my close community, as is his wife and so I can feel the loss of him in my heart. A year ago he was well, full of life and now he has left his body and is no longer here. I do feel however he is now at peace and in the hearts of all who love him, forever and always.
I start with this because it relates to the theme of outward focus and it's what I'm present with.
Our outward focus is what it says it is, what we are focusing on outside of ourselves. It could be something negative of positive or just neutral, it could be a goal, a desire, a need or a want. Whatever it is, it's important we look at what it is and why it's there. When someone dies, or when we know someone who is terminally ill, it gives us a new perspective on our outwards focus, if we allow it to. This weekend I have felt quite vulnerable, a bit pushed out and that I am not acknowledged in areas of my life, but after hearing this news, it all seemed to dissipate. It seemed to dissolve into a nothingness and a knowing that none of that truly matters, it is all just egoic games going on in my mind. I spend/we spend so much time worrying about things, living in the past and letting our stories take over that we forget what we are present with, what our lives looks like right now.
I spent some time in a self hypnosis earlier and it touches on Internal Family Systems, an amazing system to access the parts of yourself that sometimes take the drivers seat in our lives. The part for me that came up was vulnerability. After a very intense dream last night of me completely naked and running for my life, I saw this as my vulnerable part, the part of me that is scared to just let myself be completely seen, raw and unedited, much like this post I am writing now. In the hypnosis I was able to speak with this part, to reassure her that we are safe to feel it all, to be vulnerable and to let our emotions out. These parts often think we are much younger than we are, this one thinking I am still about 13 and so therefore not realising I am now a grown adult woman that has the capability of managing and dealing with big emotions. Today's news of course brought up big emotions within me. I am empathic and have been around him and his wife this past year, watching their journey from afar, seeing him change so much from who he was when I first met him. It also brings up my own losses in my life, the loss of my Nana, the loss of my cat, Brandy and then the loss of my Grandad. It also brings death to life, loss to life, what a contradictory thing to say but it's so true. Death gives us life. Death gives us a reason to live, the only reason we need because we are all on our way to meeting our maker, it's up to us if we are going to prepare for that or not, if we are going to face it each day, knowing it is the only thing we can be certain of but yet the one thing that seems to ignite such strong fear within us all.
So, can we walk through that fear? Can we use that ignition of fear to fuel us towards the life we are meant to be living? I believe we can and it really is the only way to make the most of our days here on Earth. To keep reminding ourselves that everything can change in a moment so how do we want to be in each moment? How do we want to be living in each moment?
My life in this moment is still and quiet, there is sadness in my heart for my friend, and there is also my own vulnerability and grief. I have some time to myself, to connect with myself, to spend time doing things I love. The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing and the bees are buzzing around the lavender in the garden. I can choose to do whatever I want to do and that is a huge blessing, the gift of time and space and being well, to take a breath and give myself what I need, give myself the acknowledgment and inclusion I am looking for because ultimately no-one else can give those things to me.
In closing, I want to acknowledge the life I want to live, my outward and inward focus, a life full of devotion, faith and service, full of love and joy and connection, feeling everything and honouring what a gift it is to be here, surrounded by people who love me and whom I love.
What's your outward focus?
Om Namah Shivai and much love xxx
Art - Kelly's Art of the Soul