I hadn't realised how much life truly was a balancing act until I started reflecting on it as the theme from the first Women of Spring Circle. As we move out of Winter and into Spring, as the light takes hold over the dark, it can be hard to balance ourselves and still take rest as well as being out in the world. I know when the clocks change I find it quite jarring, the days are longer and so I feel to be doing more for longer but I also still feel the pull to rest and be still and be in the darkness of my inner self and that is where the practice lies at this time of year, knowing when to be planting seeds, watering them, nurturing them but also giving ourselves time to just be and seeing the nurturing in that.
Whether it's balancing, motherhood, self-care, relationships, friendships, family, spiritual practice, home life, there are so many things that ask for balance, that ask us to find the equilibrium and it feels like its a constant. Even as I write this I am questioning if I should let it go this week because I want to sort the garage out a bit but I love writing and sharing these contemplations and only recently have I started again, so, here I am, balancing my time and energy, choosing to write.
For me most recently I have been called to come into balance big time but I didn't realise it at first. I was convinced that I would be moving from this house as I'd had some problems with my landlady last year and so I told myself there is no way I want to stay. I was very much allowing this one negative to completely tip the scales and not at all looking at the positives that were staring me in the face. I told myself my boundaries have been crossed and so therefore I need to move. However, when posed with the question by Tom whether I would consider staying, I first felt myself tighten up but then I realised what I was doing. I saw that I was letting fear take over and not seeing that there was a lot more in favour of staying. This house is beautiful and offers everything I want, it's rural, quiet, it's big, it has a temple, close to nature, has a garage and outside space, not only that but rentals are so hard to come by at the moment that it would be quite unlikely to find something like this or better. In fact when I reflected more, I saw that even in meditations I have had about a home, I always imagined myself here still. I also, when describing what I wanted from the next house, would follow with 'hmm, sounds like this house.' But that still hadn't been enough to show me the answer I was seeking.
After witnessing this within myself it amazed me how easy it can be for us to cut our noses off to spite our face, to be so stubborn about something that we can be unwilling to see another perspective, a perspective that would serve us far better, to be completely unbalanced in a decision because of fear, because of living in the past and not being in the present. Taking a step back and asking, what is the situation NOW? Not last year, but now, enabled me to come back to the presence of love in my heart, to see that I won't find peace by changing the external, I will find peace within me, when I choose to. It's up to me in any given moment how I feel and so my challenge is, my internal balance, to come from love and not fear, to choose the space inside that is still, that can surrender and knows the ultimate truth, because in finding the balance within, it will effect the balance in all aspects of life so we can always choose the path that will serve us the best...
What are you trying to find balance with at the moment? I'd love to hear.
Oh and a funny added note, this blog post tested my internal balance just now by deleting the post I spent 40 minutes writing, meaning I had to re-write it. What did I choose in THAT moment? Peace or frustration? I'd say a balance between the two, tipping towards frustration as I hit my keyboard but then I quickly said, fuck it, who cares, let's just write it out again, I obviously need this lesson drummed into me so much that I had to write about it twice, haha!
Om Namah Shivaya!
Much love xxx